Episode Transcript
<p>Audio Podcast 5 shame</p>
<p>[00:00:00] ADHD and shame might go together like peanut butter and jam, but for lots of people it's holding you back from what you are capable of achieving this week in powerful possibilities. We're going to look at. Y we experience shame. The reason shame shuts us down and then some really fantastic strategies that you can implement. Right now by yourself. </p>
<p>Hello, and welcome to Powerful Possibilities, a guide to ADHD from diagnosis and beyond. I'm your host, Catherine, and I'm a certified ADHD coach with my own experience of a diagnosis of ADHD and autism in my 40s. Dedicated to helping people like you navigate the misunderstood areas of ADHD.</p>
<p>So whether you're recently diagnosed, you think you might be ADHD, Or you're looking to better understand your journey so far, this is your new go to platform for your insights and transformative strategies. Grab your coffee, settle in, and let's [00:01:00] unlock the potential that's just waiting for you. You're in the right place.</p>
<p> what's up Everybody it's episode five of powerful possibilities, ADHD from newly diagnosed and beyond and I am talking today about shame and ADHD.</p>
<p>I know from the many conversations I've had with people that shame. Is something that really affects people with ADHD and I, as you would expect, it affects us more than neuro-typical people. That doesn't mean neuro-typical people don't experience shame. I want to clear that up, but it does mean that when we get it, our executive functions quickly become overwhelmed because of our emotional regulation challenges. So let's get into it and talk about shame and what we can do about it. And why </p>
<p>I think it's massively, massively. Under discussed. </p>
<p>I can't remember a point in my life where I didn't feel [00:02:00] deep shame. About myself,. It just feels like it's a constant background. Hum. And when we get to a point where we're over whelmed or overworked, we are. Unwell. If we are experiencing depression or other challenges, that shame seems to leap into the foreground and it can overwhelm us. So I wanted to let you know that she is not essential. You can let go of it. And now, I think. I can barely hear that background. </p>
<p>Hum. but for a long time, it was almost crippling. So I do understand where you're coming from. And I want to say. At the top. I'm not a counselor. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm an ADHD coach. So asset CLI I cannot help with mental health problems and I will always refer you on to somebody who can. </p>
<p>So if you are over the line And you have what I call an active mental health problem whether that's depression, or anxiety. [00:03:00] Please make sure you reach out to somebody who is qualified, not a coach. </p>
<p>In the episode today, we're going to explore what shame is how it's different from guilt. And what we can do about it, and some really useful strategies and practical things that you can use on a daily basis to turn that noisy little voice down and feel better about yourself. </p>
<p>Shame is a really deep seated feeling. </p>
<p>We might feel we are fundamentally flawed or broken that we will never be good enough and it doesn't even have to be connected to something we've done something we've said. It's just there all the time. And when we feel shamed, we tend to hide. We don't reach out for help. We think people won't like me, if they knew the real me. And that is very common. </p>
<p>So shame is something that keeps you hidden. It keeps you held back. It limits you. And my passion is helping you to let go of that shame and move [00:04:00] forward. into powerful possibilities. </p>
<p>Shame. Isn't the same as guilt. ADHD people experiencing shame are not the same as people experiencing guilt. Guilt is when we have done something that we feel doesn't meet. Our personal or social expectations In Greek, the word for sin is hamartia, which means missing the mark. And I feel guilt and shame. And Sen in the Greek sense, missing the mark are all connected because shame is when we feel like we miss the mark, no matter what we do. Guilt is when we miss the mark because of something we've done something we've said. An action that we've maybe not taken. And missing the mark means that we have an expectation of a standard. We all have standards, whether they're from inside or outside. They tend to be something that we developed quite early on from our family. Our caregivers society around us. there are expectations. We learn very quickly when we don't meet [00:05:00] them. </p>
<p>And. I'm afraid to say that guilt is something that motivates lots of people. It's not a great motivation. But shame is unconnected to any action. And it's just a feeling that you are. Fundamentally broken. ADHD people can achieve great success in life. But still feel ashamed. And still feel that they're not good enough. So even if you are really successful and still feeling shame, That's kind of normal. It's not something I want you to continue with, but it is normal. Given our neurology, we get stuck. </p>
<p>We get fixed. We ruminate more than your average brain. </p>
<p>ADHD people also experience imposter syndrome. at quite astonishing levels. It can hold people frozen. When there's no need and prevent people who are really qualified and intelligent. And could make a big difference to their own lives, to other people's lives from speaking up. 'cause we think. Why would [00:06:00] anybody listen to me? </p>
<p>And I feel that. This constant shame and this imposter syndrome. are really closely connected. And again, it's not essential. </p>
<p>Let's look at strategies that you could use. When you are aware of that shame and becoming aware of it is the first one. So name it to tame it is a really useful thing to remember. When you have that feeling of dis ease. When things don't feel right. Try and identify where it's coming from and give a name. </p>
<p>And when you have a name, you can manage it better. I remember in the pandemic early on, waking up with just this constant sense of dread. And anxiety. And for a long time, I assumed it was just what was going on because let's face it. Things have been pretty wild for the last few years. But really it was more about anxiety. And when I understood it was anxiety. And I didn't have to carry on [00:07:00] experiencing it. </p>
<p>I began to get better. But I had to name it first. </p>
<p>In my coaching practice, I believe it's really important to empower people so that they can learn to coach themselves. And I don't want to have a coaching partnership that goes on for any longer than necessary. Because when you learn to coach yourself, You can carry on with that great work. Um, even though I still have a relationship with my coach and check-in. </p>
<p>But the other great thing is you can turn what you feel is a weakness. Into a strengths. Depending on how you are looking at it and how you are await of it.</p>
<p>And one of the things we do is identify your strengths. So I used the via character strengths tool. It's completely free. You can go online. Do your via character strengths. And identify your top five.</p>
<p>And this is really important because quite often, when we feel this [00:08:00] weight of ADHD and shame, we don't feel we have any strengths. </p>
<p>We feel disempowered and we feel weak and vulnerable. And. Bert. When you start to look at what you're good at, what your strengths are. You can begin to see yourself differently and it doesn't sound like that's going to make a difference, but it really does.</p>
<p>So one of the ways you can do that is when you have your top five character strengths. Identify where you're using them or are they being left on the shelf? I think of them as your power ups. You know, if you're into games, you can get these power ups and it gets you through different challenges. Or if you're like me and playing games makes you feel slightly nauseated with the motion on the screen. Think about it as a toolkit. You can take something out of your toolbox. If one of your top strengths is creativity, where can you bring that in to your daily life? And at the same time, if you have a strengths, that's at the bottom, maybe [00:09:00] underneath six or seven. Are you using that one every day? It doesn't mean that you can't use it every day. </p>
<p>It means that part of the reason you may be feeling burned or, worn out is you're relying on a strengths. It's further down and isn't one of your top three or five. So go and try out the character strengths tool and identify what your top five are, and then bring them in to the work and the challenges that you're facing every day. And start to focus on what you're doing, right.</p>
<p>The second thing that's really important is to challenge the. Pattern of thoughts, the pattern of self-talk. Because quite often, we have really well established habits. Of thinking negatively and this isn't a think positive and everything will be fine. Podcast or video. This is about understanding that our brains. Believe what we tell them. And if we spend all day. Thinking [00:10:00] really negative thoughts. Our brain thinks that is objectively true. N I know many of you are in really difficult circumstances. You may appear outwardly successful. But inside. I understand, because I've heard from lots of you. And. I don't want you to think I'm invalidating your experience or your circumstances. Things are. Objectively stinky for lots of us right now. But how we think about it. Is going to affect our energy. Our ability to get through this and how we think of ourselves that shame. </p>
<p>If we feel like we're not able to do anything, we may feel ashamed that we're so. Powerless and unable to do what we need to do. So when we have negative self-talk and negative thoughts. Persistently. We get stuck. And there is. There's something called the rumination spiral and. I'll talk about rumination and a future because it's a big one. But it's quite a negative one. </p>
<p>I don't want to go there just yet. When you [00:11:00] ruminate your brain gets stuck in gear. And you cannot think your way out of it because all you hear the negative words, the negative thoughts. </p>
<p>And it is. Really. Uh, by being honest with yourself, but not accepting defeat. And I will say this is a common ADHD strengths. Is that incredible? Grit and resilience. The circumstances that some of the people I've spoken to are going through would defeat. A lot of people. But the resilience is off the scale. </p>
<p>And if that's you. I went to give you a big hug and say, well done. but be kind to yourself at the same time and talk nicely to yourself. I said this in the last episode. If you talk badly to somebody. They're less likely to give you their. Best their creative best and their. Ability to help you problem solve. For instance. If you are a person who says I'm always late. I'm always late. </p>
<p>I just, I don't understand. I can never be on time. And eventually. You're going to [00:12:00] A) fulfill that. Because your brain believes you. And, and B you're gonna stop making arrangements to meet people. You might isolate yourself and we know that human beings in general need connection. Some of us need it online. </p>
<p>Some of us need it in person. I'm an online person. And. If you don't get that connection because you're isolating yourself. You're so ashamed of your time, keeping. It's no good. That rumination spiral is coming big time. Instead and saying, oh, I'm always late. But I know that ADHD and time are a difficult mixture. </p>
<p>So. I am going to use my. Watch or my phone, I am going to get somebody to text me. I'm going to useone of my community friends? My buddies. To prompt me to get ready. I'm going to spend time doing an audit. So I knew it actually takes me 45 minutes to get out the host. Instead of 15 minutes and. When you give yourself. Permission to try different things. And see, I know this is difficult for me. But I [00:13:00] know it's because of a neurological difference. So what I'm going to bring in these other strategies. You head that negative I am bad at timekeeping off at the pass </p>
<p>and when you start to succeed and experience success. You will begin to feel better.</p>
<p>Each time you reframe a negative thought.</p>
<p>You take a step into the zone of possibility. And increase your bank of self-compassion. And I can't overstate how important self compassion is when we're confronting shame.</p>
<p>So the next thing when you're dealing with shame is to think about how you're setting goals and keeping yourself accountable. And this is the difference between the carrot and the stick. And it's why. Goal setting and accountability. I think needs to be done differently when we have ADHD brains. The thing about goal-setting is that. If you don't reach the goal, you're going to feel more shame that you haven't reached that goal. And if you [00:14:00] say big stretch goals, it can reinforce that sense of failure. What's more useful is to have your big goal, your big juicy, audacious goal. And then think of it. As, and this is from David. Giwerc it's at the far end of the football field. </p>
<p>And what we need to do is identify the lines in between. That get you there. And then make each step there. Achievable so that you build up repeated success. And the more success you experience and are consciously recording and aware of. The better you will feel and the closer that goal will become. No, I don't like smart goals. </p>
<p>I know that smart goals are very popular. And I see why they make sense. The problem is that we really struggled to make things realistic. And we also really struggled with time. So, um, we also struggle sometimes making things specific. So in a couple of episodes time, I'm going to talk about a new method for setting goals and [00:15:00] achieving them. I think is really powerful and makes a big difference. When you have an ADHD brain in the meantime. What can you do right now? That gets you one tiny step closer. To where you want to be. And when you've achieved that tiny step. Celebrate it. make a comment, whether you're on lying wherever you are online, wherever you're listening. </p>
<p>Let me know when you've achieved that successful step. And I don't care how tiny it is. It could be. I put a load of laundry on it could be. I posted a letter. It could be. I bought stamps. I ordered some. Whatever you're listening. Let me know what your success today has been.</p>
<p>And although these things are really powerful, whether that is changing, how we talked to ourselves setting goals, changing how we think about the future and things like that. None of that is really helpful unless you personalize it. So, unless you're working one-to-one with me or in a group. How can you personalize these things right now? Let's have a [00:16:00] look.</p>
<p>First of all, you will have to keep things personal. </p>
<p>You will have to refresh things. That's just how it is. So there's no perfect solution that you are going to be able to be consistent with for the rest of your life. I have to tell you that right now. So that your expectations are realistic and manageable.</p>
<p>And once you've identified your strengths, which was in step one. Then you identify how you use them in the challenges that you are facing right now. And when you leverage those strengths, you will start to experience a different feeling about yourself. You will feel competent. And one of the foundations of coaching is that we believe people are whole creative and resourceful. So I don't have to give you all the answers because you actually knows them. But I sometimes need to help you discover them. Within yourself.</p>
<p>Say you are a fantastic storyteller. And you have this great narrative ability. When you bring that into your workplace, that is going to [00:17:00] change. How you feel about your work, how other people see your work and how much work you can get done?</p>
<p>When you want to think about reframing your negative self-talk or your negative words. It's helpful to externalize them and then look at them and think. Is that. Actually how I would talk to another human being. Is that how I would want to talk to. A child, is that how I would talk to somebody that I love? And. I know you probably struggle with that whole idea of loving yourself. But honestly, When you catch a negative thought or a negative statement. Get out of your head, write it down or record it. And then read it back and think. As that. A true and B how I want to talk to myself. Is it getting me any closer to what I want to do. Or to let go of my shame. </p>
<p>And finally, I want you to make sure that you're practicing self compassion. Kristin Neff, who is the expert and self-compassion has got free [00:18:00] exercises. You can listen to or download on her website. And just Google self-compassion. N E double F and Kristin Neff has got so much information. I don't need to go into it. But please practice that every day. And that I think is the thing that changed, how I experience shame more powerfully than anything else.</p>
<p>And finally. Have you got a buddy? Or a friend or, uh, are you in a community? Where you can share things with other people in a constructive way. Where they can lift you up and you can lift them up. I worry about some online groups where it's just a spiral of misery and it begins to feel like everybody's having a terrible time. Find a community where there is some joy. Where there is a lot of positive support. Where people are honest. but taking action. Okay. </p>
<p>So if you're in a group and it starting to feel a bit like this is all just too much and it's too awful and I [00:19:00] can't cope and I can't help these people. Step away from it. And focus on finding a place where people are lifting each other up and you can lift them up and this wonderful. Compassion for each other can start to bring you. out of the shame loop.</p>
<p>So today we've had a look at shame. How it's different from guilt. How it's almost universal for people with ADHD and the fact that our executive functions are more overwhelmed and shut down when we experience these negative emotions, it's not that other people don't feel it. It's just that our executive functions closed down or are less efficient, is a more accurate way to put it. Because our emotional regulation isn't there. And the most powerful things you can do to improve your emotional regulation. </p>
<p>Our self-compassion. An ADHD specific mindfulness techniques that can help. Focusing on your strengths. And eliminating negative self-talk all of these things [00:20:00] together, we'll start to remove that burden. And that weight of shame. From your executive functions and let you see that you are powerful and there are so many possibilities. For you. whether you have ADHD or not? I really hope this is helpful. Please leave a review liike and subscribe wherever you're listening. And make sure to send me your questions for next week. I'm ADHD coach Katherine, and I am delighted to share</p>
<p>the powerful possibilities that are just around the corner for you.</p>
<p>Remember change doesn't happen overnight. But it does happen</p>
<p>sooner then you believe possible.</p>
<p>Come back next week for more on powerful possibilities where we will be looking at the connection between ADHD and food</p>
<p>Thank you for joining us today on Powerful Possibilities, Navigating ADHD from New Diagnosis and Beyond. We're all about equipping you with the tools and insights that you need to thrive.[00:21:00] If you found value in this episode, please subscribe and share it with someone else you know who might benefit or who you want to understand you better.</p>
<p>Remember, your journey with ADHD is an ongoing journey of growth. But you're not alone anymore. Until next time, this is Catherine, reminding you that with the right guidance, the possibilities really are powerful and endless. Take care.</p>
