Episode Transcript
<p>What's up everybody. Today is the third episode of powerful possibilities, ADHD from newly diagnosed and beyond. I'm your host ADHD coach Katherine. And today we are going to be looking at. Why am I so bad at adulting? just this week I saw a video of a young lady on Tik TOK who was really struggling, with a nine to five job. And unfortunately, a lot of the feedback I saw was really negative. And people were mocking her and they were really unsympathetic. And my first thought was why would anybody. Enjoy the kind of. Exhausting existence that we associate with adulthood. And my second one was. Who prepared you for this? I don't think anybody does. Nobody prepares us for just how hard it can be when we are ADHD and adults. Out in the world on our own. [00:01:00] Thank you, everybody for your lovely feedback on the first two episodes of the podcast, this is the first time. I am recording it on video as well. So let's see how it goes and we will take it from there. </p>
<p> First question is, why am I so bad to adulting? And I feel like this is a question almost every one of my clients over the age of around 30. Even over 25 comes to me with why does it feel so hard? And so I felt like this was a really important episode for us to do. Right at the top. When we think about adulting () which if you're over 50 is only recently verb. It makes sense. Right? What do you think of when you think of adults? Adults tend to be people who have jobs. They are people who have stable relationships. They are people who have homes that are secure and pleasant to be in. They are are people who can take care of children and they really seem to have their act together. And quite [00:02:00] often when we have ADHD and we maybe have a very late diagnosis. We may struggle with one or more of those elements of an adult life. So I wanted to take the time and explore. Why these things are so difficult or can be so difficult when we have ADHD. But when we know that we have ADHD, what can we do about them? And how can we make our lives more easy and how can we step into a place of possibility and understand that things are possible with ADHD, they might look a bit different, but they are absolutely possible. </p>
<p>So I love to do research for blog posts for podcasts, for everything. And one of the papers I came across, strongly correlated that the more we are affected by executive function problems, dysregulation. Planning, we'll go into that in a minute. The more likely we are to struggle with those "adult functions" in society. [00:03:00] We're more likely to have a lower income. We're more likely to live on our own or to have difficulty in relationships. We're more likely to have a smaller social network. And so it's really important that we acknowledge these challenges. Identify them. And then find our way around them or through them, or create a solution to them that works for us and the way that our brains are wired. So I'll include the reference to the papers in the show notes. So don't worry. You can go and check all this out. </p>
<p>And the thing that was fascinating was that people with inattentive presentation of ADHD who are more likely to be missed when younger. Are more likely to have executive function problems. So although we are still recovering from this idea that young people with ADHD who are very hyperactive are the ones that are most. Badly affected because they maybe struggled more visibly in school and they struggle [00:04:00] more visibly in jobs. Actually it's the inattentive presentation where we look like we might be paying attention, but we're not, we've drifted off somewhere. We are more likely to be affected by executive function problems. There's a direct correlation there. So if you're not a hyperactive ADHD person, It's fine. I've got you. This is your place. </p>
<p>So let's have a look at what adulting usually means. In the old days. When I was growing up, you got to 21, you got a key to the door. And that was it. You were regarded as an adult, fully fledged adult, and my own parents who I adore married before they were 21 and they're still together. So it's possible to be an adult before you're 21. But we knew that on average brain maturation occurs around 20 to 30 roundabout 25 is the average. We also know that in ADHD, there is a lag in some areas of [00:05:00] our brain development. Again, I will include a link in the show notes. So, if you are struggling with things that you assume adults can do with ease. Like finding and keeping a job. Like managing a household and it doesn't matter if you have a family or not. Keeping house takes work, right? So you have to clean, you have to cook, you have to plan ahead for when you're going to. I have to do shopping again, all of these things. And then there's the relationship aspect. And one of the things that people don't talk about. Enough. Is the impact of ADHD on relationships. And I am hoping in the future to interview Melissa Orlov who I regard as THE expert. On ADHD in marriage and relationships. And I know that the divorce rate. In ADHD, relationships is extremely high. So this is a hot topic that we will come back to. All of those are kind of hallmarks of being an adult. And for some of us, it also [00:06:00] includes being a parent. And I think there's no reason why we cannot be parents, if that is our choice, but we should be aware that it comes with a set of demands and a requirement that we need to prepare for. And we need to be self-aware and prepare for. But why. Does ADHD makes this hard. So where's ADHD. We know that we're looking at an executive function challenge, primarily. And I have a long blog post all about executive functions. But to sum it up. Your executive functions. I think of them like a conductor of an orchestra. And they connect different parts of your brain. When you need to do things like planning ahead. When you need to think about your emotional regulation. When you want to organize things, there's an element of time awareness. There's working memory. So there's usually around six to eight in definition models of executive functions [00:07:00] and each one of them. Is affected by ADHD. And obviously. We're not all the same when I talk about. ADHD flavours or recipes. I mean that we all have strengths in different areas of our executive functions. And so some of us might find planning more easy. Some of us might be. whizz kids with time awareness and I've spoken to several people who are amazing. At organizing their life. They've got the time thing down pat, but the emotional regulation part, not so much. </p>
<p>And when we look at the executive functions as a group. Those are all the things that you're expected to have. In hand as an adult. There's a lack of tolerance for people who struggle with these things. And especially. One of the things people don't talk about much is the grinding monotony of much of adult life. You always have to decide what you're having for dinner from now until the end of time. And if you are a parent, [00:08:00] You have to decide for your kids. But at least the first sort of 10, 15 years, what they're going to have, and they expect you to know what they're going to have for dinner. So. I can hear the people who deal with dinner, making a new and the audience nodding their heads from here. So. adulthood is when we tend to lose things that meek life easier for ADHD. And that includes novelty. That includes being able to do things in the moment. When you are an adult. You have a job and you have a family and you maybe have pets. You have bills that need to be paid at the same time every month. There's less room for your natural impulsivity. To come out. And so you may find yourself drawn to other types of impulsive behavior, which can include gambling, spending things that you really shouldn't because those bills are going to come around every month. So for me. Adult hood an ADHD. Can be fantastic. And. You know, some of the most [00:09:00] successful adults we know. Have ADHD. But they also have systems and supports and awareness in place so that they are not forcing themselves to do the parts of Life that they really struggle with on a regular basis. </p>
<p>One of the things that we find particularly difficult as adults with ADHD is time. </p>
<p>And time. Working memory. These are core deficits in ADHD. </p>
<p>Are you still recording? </p>
<p>Yeah, I think you are. </p>
<p>So one of the problems with executive functions is that. They are fast when they work well, they're fast. They're automatic. Their subconscious, the work in. Lightning speed faster than lightning. And they are. markedly slower and markedly different. In brains that are diagnosed as ADHD. So the question is what can we do about that? And how can we communicate that with other people? And still function as adults. [00:10:00] When we know that we are going to struggle more with all of the things that other adults seem to manage effortlessly. </p>
<p>One of the things I want to say is that. A bonus that comes with ADHD. If you like is the ability to use our more creative problem solving. In a regular way. And that's because of the. The communication between the default mode network. And the task positive network. </p>
<p>now the task positive network let's. Think of it as a circuit rather than a part of. Because it's lots of different parts of your brain. The task positive network is all those parts of your brain involved in a task switching on when you need to focus. And the default mode network is like your engine sitting in idle. It can go into gear at any time. But right now it's just taking in the scenery. One of the great things about this default mode network is it can help us to see connections and make. Solutions to things that other people may not see. It can allow us [00:11:00] to come up with novel ways to do the tasks that we maybe find boring. And so it's a real strengths. But in ADHD. Those two networks try to run at the same time. So let's think of it. As. You're trying to drive your car. And you're in gear to go forward, but at the same time, Your gearbox isn't particularly great. And you're always slipping into neutral. And I used to have a Landrover when I first started driving in my twenties. My brother shared his Landrover with me, and this car was older than both of us. It had metal trees welded to the floor because otherwise there was no floor had rusted away. And one of the unique things about this car was that. If you try to go around a roundabout. At which I don't think there are many over in the states. If you could round a roundabout, you're driving in a circle to take a turning. And if you want it to do anything more than five or 10 miles an hour, you had to hold it in third gear. But to keep it in third gear, you had to [00:12:00] hold your hand on the stick, which was about, you know, it felt like it was a meter long. Who is this huge metal stick? And you had to hold it in gear. While moving the steering wheel. And with your feet on the brake and the accelerator at the same time. As well as not crashing into other cars, because this thing was basically a tank. Very slow tank. It was a tank. On the roundabout. And I sometimes think with ADHD, we're in that position more than other people, we are. Trying to go round, round a boats. We are navigating jobs and we are navigating relationships. And. Planning the whole household maintenance thing. At the same time as holding ourselves in gear, which means remembering to get to sleep and remembering to self regulate our emotions and trying to juggle. All of the things that other people do without much salt. And so our executive functions in ADHD. Are uniquely. Eh, They're uniquely compromised. [00:13:00] It will look different for each person with ADHD. Some of us will have Mainer. Eh, deficits. And some of us will really struggle. And one of the sayings that levels are. His medication, which I talked about briefly in the last episode. And, you know, Dr. Barkley is completely resolute on this topic. That was medication. Many adults find that their executive dysfunctions almost disappear. Of course, if you stop medication and you haven't done anything else, they will return what it could return because our brains are always developing and that wonderful neuro-plasticity is. Positive thing. So bear in mind that medication is a seriously effective tool for these executive function problems that so many adults struggle with. And I have to say personally that since I began medication a year ago, and this is only my own experience. I can manage things better. They haven't completely gone away. I [00:14:00] still have to have a massive amount of support. And a lot of structure in place and I still drop the ball, but all the other stuff just feels easier. So. </p>
<p>One of the other really difficult things, I find almost universal in ADHD, but especially as adults. Is time management. And I think the thing that makes it really difficult is that we know that time is the one thing we don't get back. And I just finished "how to work less" with Rich Webster, which is amazing. And I highly recommend if you are somebody with ADHD who wants to focus more on living a life than being run by your business. And one of the things rich really focuses on is how do you manage your team? And time is the one thing that we cannot buy more of.. There is a finite amount of time and the day. And we need to leverage all those other things to increase our time. But when you have ADHD, something really unique happens. And that is that. [00:15:00] We struggle to really comprehend time passing. And there's a paper I'm going to put into the show notes, which explains really clearly that this is a core deficit in ADHD. And I don't think it's in the DSM, the diagnostic manual at the moment. I think it really should be. But time management is a misnomer. If you don't understand. The span of time. And the passage of time. So in ADHD, we struggle with time horizon, most adults. Have a time horizon of around 12 weeks. I think it's like 12 weeks, which is why a lot of people can diet for 12 weeks. They can commit to a new routine for 12 weeks. Because that's as far ahead as we can see, and it's why it's easier to motivate yourself for something in a couple of months than it is for something in two years for most human beings, there are some unique beings. Who can manage that? If you can only see four weeks ahead. Sometimes less. [00:16:00] How are you going to remember to save for things like your retirement? How are you going to realize that actually your mortgage is coming due in less than 10 years? How are you going to plan ahead for your health? If you are 45. And you are looking at a family history of heart disease. And you knew that other people in your family have had problems in their fifties. Five years feels like an eternity, and it really is hard to motivate yourself to make those changes. In the hear and now if five years could be five decades or 500 years. And so with ADHD, Our time horizon is shrunk. way back. Think about when you're dealing with kids with toddlers. Five minutes can be five hours for them. And I know that some people, when they take medication time passes at a normal rate. Time suddenly goes normally, like they can feel time passing instead of every minute being too long. And so. You know, being aware of [00:17:00] time, managing time is a key requirement for an adult. And yet for us with ADHD, it's something that we uniquely struggle with. The other thing that I see happening a lot is we don't really understand how long things take. And when you're an adult. Especially if you're an employee or if you're working for yourself. You need to know how long it's going to take to do things so that you can plan your days accordingly. So ADHD, isn't just about attention and focus. These are really crucial challenges that we face as adults. And so there. Are of course things that you can do. So I'm going to break it down and let's look at things that we can do to support our executive functions and our time awareness. All these things and make adulting with ADHD. Suck just a little bit less. </p>
<p>So the first thing you can do is get an honest objective assessment of where your executive functions are struggling and Peg Dawson and David Guare have An executive function assessment. Which you can find online, which I have used with [00:18:00] clients. It's one of the first things we do is to find out exactly which executive functions you really struggle with. When you have an idea of which ones you struggle with, you can then start to look at individual strategies. And supports and I talk about scaffolding. So with ADHD. We sometimes are going to have to put in permanent scaffolding. Right? And I want you to imagine you are a French cathedral. And you've got these incredible arches, which is your potential, your creative potential. But because of the ADHD, your walls want to spread out the way. And so some bright spark comes along and says, Hey, I know guys, we can put these buttresses up against the wall. And so the buttressing on a french cathedral doesn't go anywhere because that's what allows it to be so incredibly beautiful. And you might need to have some permanent scaffolding in place. You may need permanent adjustments to your lifestyle, [00:19:00] to the way that you manage things at home. In order for you to be as incredibly powerful. And reach your potential. So don't. Don't feel like you have to somehow achieve peak normal. To be a full adult. We might need to adjust what adulting looks like. </p>
<p>The second thing you need to do once you've got a really good overview of your unique executive function profile. Is think about. </p>
<p>Where can I build in success more quickly? Because one thing we know is that. When we feel better about ourselves. Our executive functions work better because our anxiety and our self-talk tends to improve. So if we anticipate failure, if we anticipate being late and forgetting things and letting people don't. Not being able to regulate our emotions. Our amygdala, which is the guard, the centuries. Hey guys, this is not okay. In the back of our brain is primed for action. And so it's going to react more quickly. And when that happens, [00:20:00] the prefrontal cortex, where most of your executive functioning. Passes through. And remember I said, it's not just one part of your brain. It's a circuit, but the prefrontal cortex where a large part of your executive functioning happens. Just switches. It doesn't switch off, but it's not in charge anymore. It's like your amygdala takes a steering wheel. shoves your prefrontal cortex, your logical brain. out of the way and suddenly you are just in full on survival mode. For some of us. Survival mode is where we live for a long, long time. Before we have an ADHD diagnosis. And so making that switch. Can be a challenge. It's not impossible, but it can be a challenge. </p>
<p>I'm definitely going to spend a lot longer on each of the executive functions. What they look like, what you do, how you can manage them in future episodes. So make sure you have subscribed. And you're going to come back for more episodes. But thinking about time. In particular, I want to talk about. The sweet spot. And time management. [00:21:00] A lot of people are like, time-blocking time-blocking is the answer. You must block out your time. And as somebody who really enjoys a visual structure, I do that. Not in a rigid way though. So, what I do is I have a paper planner and a Google calendar, and I am trying another couple of apps. People have asked me to look up. I block at my time. With color. But it's kind of flexible. Right. And this is what I mean by the Goldilocks. It's not too structured. But it's not too unstructured. It's just structured enough. And then I have a separate list of all the things I need to do that week. And I can rank them by priority and I'll come back to that again. But for me, that sweet spot between structure and freedom. Allows me to be much more. Productive in my own work. And much more present and engaged in what I'm doing. Because of not thinking, right. I've only got 10 minutes before this block of time is up and I have to just move on. [00:22:00] I can't keep going with this podcast because I have to go and do my admin for the end of the week. No. So. The sweet spot. The secret is to give yourself enough flexibility. But just enough structure and that is going to look different for everyone. So. Try to be aware of that tension, that ADHD people need structure. We need structure a lot. Sometimes we need people like a coach or an accountability group to put that in place. But it has to be light. Okay. You have to hold it lightly. Instead of squeezing a tennis ball really hard. Here comes my dog. </p>
<p>Instead of squeezing a tennis ball really hard. You're going to hold it lightly in your hand. </p>
<p>And so time . Time management is one of those ADHD things that we're going to have to spend a lot longer on, but there are definitely ways to manage it. And also anticipate having to change it. Right. Barbara Luther is one of the most incredible women I've ever met. She taught me at ADDCA. And she explained it. We have to [00:23:00] regularly re-sparkleize. things. We stop seeing the post-it notes. We stopped using the planners. Anticipate that and let it go. How fascinating. That that planner no longer works for me. What can I do next? </p>
<p>The other difficulty we might have with adult ADHD is emotional regulation. And. I don't think I've got enough time left to really go into it properly here. But emotional regulation or deficient emotional self regulation. Dr. Barkley calls it D E S R I think is another core deficit of ADHD that is not in the diagnostic manual right now. And. People talk a lot about rejection sensitivity. And it's not that we are somehow fragile, broken beings. We might feel broken because of our life experiences. And we might feel that we are being rejected. Because of our social communication problems and lots of us. Are also autistic. And we have social communication problems. But deficient. [00:24:00] Emotional self regulation is one of the other things that is difficult as an adult, because we are expected not to cry at work. We're expected to manage parenting children who are struggling with self regulation, and we may need to co-regulate with our kids. To help them. Learn to manage their emotions in a way that honors their feelings, but doesn't inhibit them. in learning and communication and inclusion and stuff like that. </p>
<p>Regulation is something that I would love to talk to Stephen Shanker about. He is. The guy who wrote Self-Reg. And honestly, his work is life changing for me. and for the people that I work with. So. Self-regulation is something that we really struggle with because of emotional regulation, which is part of executive functions. You knew that was coming right. And so when we are adults, we're expected to have this regulation in place. We [00:25:00] can learn it. Okay. That's all I'm going to say is we can learn. We can make growth. And that's why this is called powerful possibilities because you're powerful, your brain is powerful, but these things are possible. And when we feel that we can't change, we can't grow, we can't improve for our own sake. This isn't to benefit anybody else. When we feel we can't do that. Then we struggle. And I want. I want everyone to be free of struggling. I want everyone to be able to adult in a way that honors them. But also allows them to have the job and the home and the relationship and the family that they deserve. Okay. So. Learning to emotionally. Self-regulate. Is more challenging for us. It can happen later. Some people really struggle with it, their whole life. And for those people again, there are medications that are especially helpful. Not the stimulant ones. So make sure you speak because your [00:26:00] doctor, your psychiatrist, and look at things that would be helpful with that. If it's just something you are never going to feel confident about. But things that can help with that do include ADHD, friendly mindfulness. And exercise is incredibly good. Lots of people. And I felt this. As well. When you get to a certain point. Your mind is quiet and your emotions just kind of turn down. And so exercise is incredibly powerful. And the research says it's just as useful as medication for many people. </p>
<p>No other thing that we can learn. And one of the things that I do in coaching is we offer a reframe. So it's quite easy for us to get stuck in our viewpoint. And for most of my life, I was definitely in that place. But learning how to. Reframe our experience and the experience of being an adult in the world is incredibly powerful. And again, because we've reframed that experience, we can. Find our executive functions [00:27:00] improved because we're no longer as stressed. And we're no longer. Held captive by those beliefs and thoughts. I want to say something very clear here. There are some life coaches who will teach you that circumstances are neutral. Some circumstances are. Absolutely no neutral. Ever. And so if you are in a situation. That is dangerous. Where you are being abused. Whether that's physically, emotionally, financially. In a relationship. If you were an abused as a child. That is not neutral. Ever. And I don't care if other life coach has come at me for that. There are some circumstances that are not neutral. And I will say that until the end. So. We can reframe things. But we also need to be honest. And one of the things I love about my clients. Is that people with ADHD can be brutally honest about themselves. They can also see themselves in a very negative light. But they do tend to be [00:28:00] quite objective about circumstances and things. And that's one of your strengths. Is being able to cut through the adult nonsense. And I think it might be one of the reasons why we sometimes struggle with social communication, because we can see. When people are talking rubbish for want of a better word. Anyway. I have. sk ated through some really big, deep issues here. And I want to say thank you for bearing with me. Really excited to go into each of these in more detail in future episodes. And I've mentioned a few people that I would love to interview. And if you have questions about being an adult about executive functions, about emotional regulation, about. This whole reframing about time management or time techniques do get in touch with me. You can comment down below. You can email me. You can get in touch with me. Through Instagram or my website. So, thank you very much for being [00:29:00] with me on the third episode of powerful possibilities. ADHD, newly diagnosed and beyond. I really look forward to sharing more information with you next time and answering your questions on the podcast. </p>
<p>I'm ADHD, coach Katherine. And thank you for listening to the third episode of powerful possibilities, ADHD, newly diagnosed and beyond. </p>
<p> If you enjoyed this, make sure you've subscribed so that you get the next episode. Of powerful possibilities, as soon as it comes out every Friday. </p>
